“Dialogue”

Stop forcing me to nod or shake my head.

Stop forcing me to say yes or no.

Stop screaming and shouting at me as though I’m attempting to speak over you.

Just stop.

Shut up.

Let me talk if you want a conversation, let me say something.

When will it be my turn to say something?

When will it be my turn to tell you what a disappointment you are, and that you are the worst hypocrite I know.

When will I get a chance to tell you that I’m angry, that you abandoned me and now that we’re here again I must let go of that but you must hold onto everything thing you say I did wrong?

Shut. Up.

If you won’t let me speak – Say nothing to me.

I’m suffocating. Drowning in all the words you need to hear. All the things you did wrong, I mean, since we’re keeping count.

Just shut up & listen. Or remain silent and drown like I do.

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“Be Your Self”

This may be cliche, but it’s true. That sentence is also cliched. The best advice I have ever received is “Be your self”. Why? Because it got me thinking, about my self & everything around me.

1. Who or What is this Self I Am supposed to be?

This is the most difficult question I will ever ask myself in the history of questions. It would take less energy to answer infinite WHYs that it does to answer this one WHO. Who am I? I know my name, age, where  I live, etc. I also know that I am funny; intelligent, beautiful on the inside, compassionate & other things like impatient & cruel. I know that I like to write and I love chocolate and unsweetened tea.. so, who am i?

a) A tea-drinking, chocolate-loving masturbator

b) A dork of a sister and misbehaving (I think my folks use disrespectful, ungrateful, etc) daughter

c) A person who has trouble talking to people who don’t listen

So many questions come from the WHO part of being WHO I AM. It is even more complicated by the fact of this ‘globalization’ thing. I see too many people being what I like and maybe want to be, but my immediate environment does not allow for that. Is who I am not determined or influenced by where I am?

Who am I?

I am different with the seasons. I am happy in the rainy season, irritable in the summer and very impatient in the winter. Sometimes I forget that I change like that and I become a little surprised at my behavior when it changes.

the difference between who you are & who you want to be, is what you do ~ Unknown

That got me thinking some more, is who I am defined by what I do? Should my identity be the one to determine my actions? All this is confusing, or maybe I am complicating it.

What I do know is that I will be the me I feel I am in the current season and if I don’t like being impatient because of the winter – I’ll work at changing that. I find it so difficult to identify who I am, I still have no idea what it means to be who I Am. I’m fine with that, because i can change it when ever I feel like I want to feel differently, or be another me.