Pure penis and Dirty Hos

Before I begin, I have a question for you. Do you identify as a

  1. Loving, nurturing, sweet [wife-able] person, or
  2. A cold-hearted fucking machine?

I ask this seemingly unnecessary question because women are always forced to be one or the other. To be a [wife-able] woman, or to be sexually satisfied. I wish I had the vocab and insight to explain how this is oppressive, but I don’t. I’ll only tell you my experience of it.

A lot of times people say to me, “You’re such a guy.” in reference to my approach to love and sex relationships. I don’t like this, it’s not a compliment. The “guyness” they’ve identified in me is closer to being manipulative than carefree, so I’m usually offended by that observation.

  1. I do not like to be approached, I usually make the first move.

I do this because when a man approaches me first, I worry that he’s putting on an act to feel on my yams. [We] have been socialised into believing that men have to trick women to sleeping with them. That is something I eliminate by making the first move. I’d rather catch him off guard (men don’t usually expect women to make the first move) and ensure that we are honest with each other about what we want.

I receive one of two reactions:

  • “Okay, cool. Do you wanna get some ice cream?”

This is someone who would’ve had the conversation with me anyway, not be a sneaky fake boyfriend creeping around me for the yams.

  • “OMG, you’re ho. I’ll take the sex but ew girl, you gross.”

Pretty self-explanatory. But I wonder, does his penis not deserve better than an ew, ho-girl?

Why would you do sex with a dirty person when your pure, God-given penile gift to women deserves so much better?

Why would any self respecting man want to have sex with someone who… wants to have sex too?

 

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TRIGGER WARNING: ANGRY RANT ABOUT RAPE

And so I became a ho (Part 1)

One day I realised that for way too many of the wrong years I wasn’t having sex but I’d been raped most of the time. It sucks. I was so shocked, I was feeling like maybe I should just die.

I couldn’t believe that I consider myself a person after people had just violated my body and raped me like I’m not a whole person to say no and be left alone. I wanted to die. I still feel that way sometimes, like I should just die because every day, everywhere I exist – not everywhere I go but wherever I dare to take up some space and exist – people rape me.

I grew up being made to feel like if I express my explicit desire to fuck, I’m gross. I’m wrong, I’m not doing what ladies do. Makes me wonder if that means ladies must be raped and never have sex?

I had q’wuestions.

I started to wonder what the fuck kind of fucked up shit is this? After all that time I’d spent being violated. I thought that the way “sex” happens is that someone kinda forces me to do it, that’s what they mean when they say that we shouldn’t come out right and want to fuck. I stopped hanging out with rapists a long time ago; I stopped chilling out and talking to men like they’re not some kind of “psycho” who’s just plotting to rape me eventually.

That previous sentence isn’t even a lie. Every time a nigga steps to me I think he’s just trying to buy time before he can rape me. Then people want to talk shit and be insensitive about rape like we’re talking about someone breaking your windscreen – a whole human life being treated like some fuck thing from a bin?

I am angry, I’m angry and bitter as fuck! And whenever a dude is trying to talk to me about MY body and what to do with MY self?! As if it is not my very existence the reason that I’m being raped – not that I was drunk out of my mind and wearing tight clothes.

What’s rape got to do with love?

Some time ago I told y’all that I was going through some things, failing to ID myself post-rape because I don’t want to feel defeated but I also can’t act like nothing happened. I should’ve titled it “What now” but I didn’t. Anyway, read it here.

Yesterday, I was thinking about this lonely feeling I have sometimes, a gap that requires some kind of romantic companionship with someone who’ll be the same person to fill that gap when it grows again. But the girl don’t play that, and I’ll explain to you how the first man who raped me has contributed to this.

This person who loved me until I was out of my teenage years raped me.

It’s obvious that when he raped me, he was not doing it to rekindle our long discarded love affair, nor was he doing it because he missed making love to me. (I used to tell myself that he did it because he wanted to remind me of how much we love(d) each other. It didn’t make sense that he raped me, I loved him.) He did it because he wanted to make me feel like trash.

I wonder now, and on other days when I think about him/it, if there ever was a time when he did love me. Rape is evil, disgusting, and dirty. I don’t think you can give such a horrid experience to someone you love.

Yeah, so what does he have to do with my decision to never be “loved” by a man-person?

  1. I don’t think men are capable of love.

This conclusion is based on that experience, and other encounters with people who raped me, and with man-“friends” who ill-treated me after I refused to fuck them. 

Also based on the news of men who rape their own children, beat their wives, ill-treat their family members and attack stranger-women every day, everywhere over anything.

  1. I am a cishet woman, so I am going to be lonely forever and ever.

The only people I trust, and believe can love honestly are the same people I’m not romantically attracted to. I will never have a happily ever after and I’m going to die alone because I would rather be lonely than let man sneak his evil ass into my life and try to kill me when he’s satisfied that I have served my purpose I his life. Shonda said it, “I don’t want a husband in my house.”

  1. I hate men.

Men are evil, disgusting, selfish, untrustworthy and full of shit. I hate them. Their whole existence is an inconvenience to me and I wish they would all die so that we start afresh and raise boys properly.

So yeah, I guess the people who raped me won. If they wanted no one else to ever love me, they win. They’ve ruined my life.

What do I become after an assault on my being?

Recently someone who raped me came up as a suggested connection on my LinkedIn profile and I was very upset by that. But the anger/annoyance/whatever-that-feeling-was-that-I’ve-been-avoiding-all-my-(post rape)-life was quickly replaced by confusion.

Am I a victim? 

As far as I [was] concerned, I was a victim during the rape. Right? Aren’t we all victims of a crime for the duration of said crime, and after that we go back to being who we [are] because the crime is over and we shouldn’t hold onto to it as though the crime inflicted upon us is the end of life as we know it. Isn’t that how it happens?

Shouldn’t I become a survivor now?

To come back (from hell) stronger. To be like society (all of you), unbothered by what has happened – move and get over it. To tell myself everyday that shit happens and not wonder about how I might have been different had that man not fucked me against my will? I mean, other things could’ve happened to create the person I am today, right? Why should I be holding on to some rape situation like that’s the defining moment of my life?

I don’t identify with either of these labels. I don’t. 

I didn’t lose to a rapist because for that moment all my autonomy was gone, my humanity disregarded, my existence nothing but a tool. I didn’t lose, I’m not a loser and he has not defeated me.

And I sure as hell am not moving on like it’s something to simply just “get over”. 

 

It’s okay to be hurt and traumatised and angry and not let it go.

I’ll never not be angry, and sad. I refuse to feel weak even though that’s what happened – I was weak, I couldn’t protect myself. 

 

Maybe someone else feels like this and we can make it normal to be neither victim nor survivor. To be angry black women who want to #KillAllMen.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION: DON’T BE A RAPIST

“Girls are so full of themselves! Not every guy who spends time with you wants to fuck”

“How can you believe a guy will just take you out or spend time with you without expecting to fuck? Don’t be silly”

RAPIST: One who assumes entitlement to the sex of another.

The picture shows a woman holding a poster, handwritten which reads: "I know you Want it"

The common stereotype for a rapist is a dirty, creepy man who physically assaults the victim before having his way with her. I’m very sure that this description is engraved so deep into our minds that it is the only kind of rapist we can identify on sight. We keep our guard down when in the company of a “Real Man”; the handsome man with a job, a house and car. He can have any woman he wants; he could never be a rapist- right? WRONG!

Maybe it is because he knows (and we keep telling him) that he can have whoever he wants he will never accept rejection. Even though he doesn’t say to you “We’re spending time together because I would like to have sex with you”, you’re supposed to know by way of reading his mind, that he wants to have sex with you. BUT, be careful not to know this if he doesn’t want to, you do not want to be “that girl who thinks everyone wants her”. Keep your mind-reading abilities up to scratch miss.

It seems that our intuition should be trained to determine when a man wants sex from you, and when he does not. These men (rapey men, rapists, fuckboys) cannot tell a woman upfront that all they want is sex, because women always want to attach feelings to everything.. *rolls eyes* When will they acknowledge that women are also sexual beings and sometimes, WE TOO WANT SEX WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

SEEK CONSENT, she did not agree to have sex with you if:

1. She is unconscious

The picture shows a pair of hands holding a handwritten poYou can't have a drink with someone & expect this NOT to happen"

2. She is severely, or even slightly intoxicated to the point of lacking good judgement

The picture shows two animated characters - man on his knee proposing to the lady an invitation to have drinks with him.

Accepting an invitation to go out together does not mean she has agreed to have sex with you

3. She is unsure

4. You’ve been harassing & pressurizing her to do so

5. She has said: “NO” “DON’T” “I’VE CHANGED MY MIND” “GET OFF ME” or anything related, which carries the same meaning

It is very simple, if you don’t receive an explicit (& excited) invitation/request/agreement to have sex – she does not want to have sex with you.

LEAVE HER ALONE