“They were not young girls in whores’ clothing, or whores regretting their loss of innocence. They were whores in whores’ clothing, whores who had never been young and had no word for innocence.” – Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye (1999 : 55)
If I was to spend the rest of my life with consuming only One food & only One drink, I would be the healthiest person alive. My diet would consist of Fruit (Pineapple, mango or Green Apples) and Tea ( all kinds of tea in the world). I may or may not be cheating, but the theme for this challenge is: “1 food. 1 drink. For the rest of my life” and because I am the queen of technicalities, I’ll escape on saying “One food item” would’ve been more specific and I will never have to live off one food item.
Even sailors lost at sea end up on un-mapped islands with so many fruits on there. Not even they have to pick only one.
I would spend my days swallowing grams and grams of fruit salads & smoothies. All the fruit seeds and juices would blend into creams which I would use to exfoliate. I would be happy. If I had nothing but fruits to eat, mosquitoes – those sleep thieves – would be my source of protein. Let’s how they like being chewed on, those bloody blood-suckers.
I’d be a tea-sippin’ tea sipper. I’d have ginger tea for breakfast & that chamomile just before bed. My skin would glow and my bowels be as healthy as can me, with the dead mosquitoes drowning in my stomach acids & tea.
For Day 7 of the Writer’s Boot Camp we were prompted to write about an art(iste) who inspires self. I have three words for you: Helen Folasade Adu
I think my introduction should be who she is, what she does & why she does it before I tell you why she inspires me. She is the leader of a band named after her – Sade – a jazz band whose music is so soulful in lyric & instruments. When a Sade song is flowing through the speakers you have to sit still & feel your soul dancing in every inch of your body.. You have to experience it.
I fell in-love with the band when my heart broke, (I was 16y/o and completely sure that he & I were to spend the rest of our lives together). The theme song to my heartache is Is it a Crime
I played this song over & over & over for almost two years while I struggled to figure out why I was so bad and why I loved him despite his being so unkind, and cruel to me. Until this one day when I started to sing-a-long the way I always did, in tears, but the tears didn’t fall. I was over it. My heart was mended.
SADE MENDED MY HEART.
They became my Soulmate. I found a new love who would never let me down.
During the two years that my heart was being repaired by her soul & the jazz band, I discovered more & more of their music. My heart only grew bigger, I needed more love to pour out of me for the sake of loving them enough. I looked her up on the internet, the gorgeous Helen – I see her alone as Helen, something about the name matches her face so well – to find a lengthy interview where she would pour her heart out and tell me why she knows my pain so well.
The longest one I found is about 21 minutes long and she is in it more than what I could’ve imagined her to be. Her energy is serenity. She is peace. She is Sade. MY favorite thing she said in this interview, and when she said it she said this directly to my heart – “…No, never give up on Love…”
Sade inspired me to believe in love. After she said that I stopped thinking of Love as related only to romance or sex, Love means so much more than that to me. Love means appreciating anything which makes my heart want to grow bigger, to create more heart-space to let love in.
I’m kind enough to share this interview with you.
As she sang in Hang on to Your Love:
“So if you want it to get stronger you gotta not let go/
You gotta hold on longer if you want your love to grow”
I couldn’t live without the question: WHY?.
I was struggling to live with myself sometime ago when I thought that I’m an oxygen thief who is taking away life from someone or something else, which I cannot name, who I thought deserves to be alive more than I do.
Until I asked my Self asked me why.
I made two lists: “I am alive because..” & “I deserve to be alive because..”
They both have only one entry: Because I Am.
Books & Television & People & Shoes & Air & Water & Food
When I truly despised myself and told myself everyday that i am nothing – I couldn’t live with myself. I probably would be dead – a suicide statistic – if it wasn’t for the WHY.
Now because of WHY, I’m excited, because I question things & question the questions with the use of WHY. Without WHY I wouldn’t be cautious optimist, I would fall carelessly into anything that came my way. I would still be wasting my breath on negative things to say. I would still wake up feeling unworthy.
The list of my 5 favorite words begins with:
Lioness is the name of a home-maker, and a provider.
“Females are mainly the hunters of the pride, while males only hunt when a big kill is involved or the females have not given him a free lunch.”
Lioness is the definition of many mothers, in the past & present. It is a word with so much power in it, a word which makes me to feel courageous and capable. It makes me strong.
LIONESS is my all time favorite word because she is practical. She is a survivor.
“When food is scarce, the females wont share the food that they are able to obtain with their cubs, so high cub mortality rates are high during times of prey scarcity. This might seem cruel but it stems from dire necessity.” ~ (http://lion-den.tripod.com/lioness-and-cub-facts.html)
After LIONESS come:
2. ABO KINIUN
Which is the Yoruba word for Lioness.
The Hausa translation for Lioness.
Because the Italian version makes me feel mob-like & ready to rule the imaginary underworld of my imagination. Like a mob-boss, I’d be a Don, Don Leonessa.
Lioness is my favorite word four times before I think of another one. She is my spirit animal. She is my inner beast.
I used to hate my feet, which translated into a hate for all feet. My chubby figure & not-so pretty face wouldn’t allow me entry into real modelling so I took it out on my feet because even the have failed to allow me access to the glamorous jet-setting life. I covered them with socks. Socks were the representation of the mask I wore to conceal how displeased I was with my looks.
UNTIL I STARTED “SKATING” ON THE FLOOR WITH THEM.
Socks became fun. Socks became exciting. Socks are the best thing to ever happen to me, second to the acknowledgement of my gorgeous looks.
If you knew me well enough you’d know that I’m a hopeless romantic who loves heartbreak & to break people. I want to fall out-of-love to feel sad so that I can write out my sadness in beautiful laments of lost love & emptiness.
I hate being happy because ever since I started to feel like this I’ve lost my ability to write poetry which brought me sad memories, but made me happy to read.
I want to be happily sad.
I want to have sadness to express.
I want to feel empty.
That empty feeling had so much inside of it. That empty feeling was a space me to find myself in.
Even if you know me well, you may have no idea how displeased I am with myself for being so happy & getting over my first and only heartbreak. You don’t know that I wish happiness didn’t feel so good & healthy so that I could write again.
What have I done since the year began?
1. I promised myself that I would read at least 3 books a month. I have read only one book this year- I am ashamed of myself.
I did collect plenty eBooks, here is a list of the ones I will read this month:
Bessie Head – When Rain Clouds Gather
bell hooks – Feminism is for Everybody
Vanessa Fox – Marketing in the age of Google
2. Because I have done such little reading this year, I have decided that I will refrain from writing on the internet until I have disciplined myself to be a reader of many books.
I will continue to read the work of all my favorite bloggers, and from magazines.
I will watch the news and read newspapers – I’m so clueless about current affairs.
How unsexy is my mind right now?
3. I stared at my nude body in a mirror for hours everyday and promised all this sexiness that I would eat healthy and exercise regularly. I have cut fizzy drinks from my diet and I fell off my work-out routine.
I will begin a 30-day fitness challenge for the month of June.
I will be consistent with my Meditation & Yoga practices.
I will sleep more.
4. I have decided that I’m a grown woman (let’s forget that I have no bills to pay, no children to support, no man to come home to) and that I should get a job. In the past I have been a waitress, a barmaid and have done odd jobs in sales. I QUIT ALL THAT! My grown self has decided that it is time for something which is challenging and relevant to my life’s career goals.
Wish me luck in this quest to grow up.
Growing up is NOTHING like what my 8 year old self thought it would be.
5. I also told myself that this year I will get my driver’s license. I am currently able to move a car from point A to point B… As long as there are only 3 other cars on the road; 2 stop signs; traffic lights which will never turn Red & NO on-coming traffic. Basically, I can start the car and do the clutch versus accelerator balance thing.
Don’t let me drive your car.
Do not let me drive your mother’s car.
The point is: number 5 has been moved to become 2015’s number 1.
That is all I have to say to you as I welcome the New (half)Year!
“It is never too late for a fresh start and you can always start afresh- It doesn’t matter how many times.” ~Lindelwa R