What’s rape got to do with love?

Some time ago I told y’all that I was going through some things, failing to ID myself post-rape because I don’t want to feel defeated but I also can’t act like nothing happened. I should’ve titled it “What now” but I didn’t. Anyway, read it here.

Yesterday, I was thinking about this lonely feeling I have sometimes, a gap that requires some kind of romantic companionship with someone who’ll be the same person to fill that gap when it grows again. But the girl don’t play that, and I’ll explain to you how the first man who raped me has contributed to this.

This person who loved me until I was out of my teenage years raped me.

It’s obvious that when he raped me, he was not doing it to rekindle our long discarded love affair, nor was he doing it because he missed making love to me. (I used to tell myself that he did it because he wanted to remind me of how much we love(d) each other. It didn’t make sense that he raped me, I loved him.) He did it because he wanted to make me feel like trash.

I wonder now, and on other days when I think about him/it, if there ever was a time when he did love me. Rape is evil, disgusting, and dirty. I don’t think you can give such a horrid experience to someone you love.

Yeah, so what does he have to do with my decision to never be “loved” by a man-person?

  1. I don’t think men are capable of love.

This conclusion is based on that experience, and other encounters with people who raped me, and with man-“friends” who ill-treated me after I refused to fuck them. 

Also based on the news of men who rape their own children, beat their wives, ill-treat their family members and attack stranger-women every day, everywhere over anything.

  1. I am a cishet woman, so I am going to be lonely forever and ever.

The only people I trust, and believe can love honestly are the same people I’m not romantically attracted to. I will never have a happily ever after and I’m going to die alone because I would rather be lonely than let man sneak his evil ass into my life and try to kill me when he’s satisfied that I have served my purpose I his life. Shonda said it, “I don’t want a husband in my house.”

  1. I hate men.

Men are evil, disgusting, selfish, untrustworthy and full of shit. I hate them. Their whole existence is an inconvenience to me and I wish they would all die so that we start afresh and raise boys properly.

So yeah, I guess the people who raped me won. If they wanted no one else to ever love me, they win. They’ve ruined my life.

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So I have this problem, right?

This has been a great year for me, btw.

I’ve decided to take the #KillAllMen approach of feminism, which I will explain to you in the future. But first I should tell you about this problem I have which led me to join the #KillAllMen battalion of the feminist army.

I have learned that all oppressors and people in privileged positions know exactly what is going on, and therefore I need not waste my energy educating anyone about their oppressive ways, nor about the advantages they enjoy at the expense of everyone else. THEY KNOWWWW BETTER. This started when racism became a thing to me (Only after I moved to South Africa  did I see white people treating indigenous citizens as though the latter’s presence in their own home is a disturbance to the former’s life..) Anyway, I surfed twittersphere to get a feel of racism from people who’ve been living consciously with it much longer than I have. 

Silent tweeting, twatching, scrolling and getting lost in this world I saw some very interesting people and I found exactly what i was looking for – critical discussions about race, call out culture on fleek and Black Twitter getting racists fired from their jobs. So many insights and leads for me to follow to find great writings on the race situation in the world. It was great. When I was satisfied, I had to find out how these spaces behaved around feminist conversation. 

Okay, so the problems now. Confusion. Self doubt. WTF-ness all around.

When I saw these women’s liberation conversations happen, I noticed something strange. That the same people who don’t want to be racisted want to sexist women.

Hau? Guys?

Weren’t we fighting for everyone to be free?

When did it become a fight for your freedom alone? 

I was doubting myself. Is feminism really a thing that is necessary? Maybe they’re right, I’m trying to break up the black family so that I run away with a white man and enjoy the economic benefits he reaps from [my] black man’s sweat. Maybe feministing is just another tool of white racism to divide and conquer the black community. Maybe feministing is just another route away from my culture, the way things should be. I’m running farther and farther away from my roots. Maybe through feministing I have lost my way… 

That is how the black man made me feel about wanting to be released from under his foot – that I was betraying my blackness. That was my problem.

My encounter with Sane people of faith

I had the opportunity last week to attend a summit hosted by a Faith organization. Theme was “Citizenship in a Democratic society”, organized by the Inter-Faith Action for Peace in Africa (IFAPA).

The moment I read “Faith” I was ready to shut down my mind because the few times before this summit that I had consciously engaged with Faith-ists,  it was with Christians who wanted to force me to believe in Jesus, or with newly-converted Muslims who were shaming me for exposing skin – you know how excited and radical people get. Needless to say, I wasn’t very excited – until I thought to the believers I’ve seen on my twitter and how practical their discussions were, I decided that the IFAPA summit is something my mind was ready to experience.

I will not write out a summary for you on here, no. Instead I want to share with you what I picked up from the summit. I must say, it was brain-stimulating and my mind had the best time there – best decision I’ve made for my knowledge bank this year.

1. Youth are bound to mimic their predecessors

The most part of socialization is through copy-cat mechanisms, and while we all know this our elders like to lead their lives with a “Do as I say and not as I do” attitude knowing very well that it’s not quite as successful as it ought to be. It’s unfortunate that there is also a fast-growing gap between generations which is somewhat of a barrier to inter-generational communications. It becomes challenging for adults and youths to engage and advise each other on matters where one knows better than the other, without triggering defensiveness and rejection.

2. Religious communities fail to relate to the use

At the summit, they used the word “brainwash” in referring to how they would like to encourage youths to be active members of institutions of faith.  Although not to mean it in the negative sense, the term itself carries a negative implication because we understand it to be manipulating one’s mind into agreeing/doing/believing. This said to me that these institutions cannot relate to us, and this is a contributing to inter-generational gap which we seem to be struggling with already. This is not helped by the conflict between religions, and the geo-economic boundaries between the youths themselves also counters the efforts to facilitate integration and practice tolerance.

How do we talk to each other if we can’t be in the same space together?

 

You can read the tweet-summaries of my favorite speeches here on my story account at LindelwaR

a) Inter-Faith Relations & Society’s development

b) Citizenship in a Democratic Society 

c) The right to Food

My Parents

I’ve fallen so far behind the Writer’s Boot Camp, but every night I still try to catch up and flood the inboxes of my e-mail subscribers. I’m sorry and Thank You.

For day 14 the title is “My Parents”, this is my least favorite of all the themes we’ve received.. Here we go:

My parents

The end.

1 food. 1 drink. My entire life.

If I was to spend the rest of my life with consuming only One food & only One drink, I would be the healthiest person alive. My diet would consist of Fruit (Pineapple, mango or Green Apples) and Tea ( all kinds of tea in the world). I may or may not be cheating, but the theme for this challenge is: “1 food. 1 drink. For the rest of my life” and because I am the queen of technicalities, I’ll escape on saying “One food item” would’ve been more specific and I will never have to live off one food item.

Even sailors lost at sea end up on un-mapped islands with so many fruits on there. Not even they have to pick only one.

I would spend my days swallowing grams and grams of fruit salads & smoothies. All the fruit seeds and juices would blend into creams which I would use to exfoliate. I would be happy. If I had nothing but fruits to eat, mosquitoes – those sleep thieves – would be my source of protein. Let’s how they like being chewed on, those bloody blood-suckers.

I’d be a tea-sippin’ tea sipper. I’d have ginger tea for breakfast & that chamomile just before bed. My skin would glow and my bowels be as healthy as can me, with the dead mosquitoes drowning in my stomach acids & tea.

“Be Your Self”

This may be cliche, but it’s true. That sentence is also cliched. The best advice I have ever received is “Be your self”. Why? Because it got me thinking, about my self & everything around me.

1. Who or What is this Self I Am supposed to be?

This is the most difficult question I will ever ask myself in the history of questions. It would take less energy to answer infinite WHYs that it does to answer this one WHO. Who am I? I know my name, age, where  I live, etc. I also know that I am funny; intelligent, beautiful on the inside, compassionate & other things like impatient & cruel. I know that I like to write and I love chocolate and unsweetened tea.. so, who am i?

a) A tea-drinking, chocolate-loving masturbator

b) A dork of a sister and misbehaving (I think my folks use disrespectful, ungrateful, etc) daughter

c) A person who has trouble talking to people who don’t listen

So many questions come from the WHO part of being WHO I AM. It is even more complicated by the fact of this ‘globalization’ thing. I see too many people being what I like and maybe want to be, but my immediate environment does not allow for that. Is who I am not determined or influenced by where I am?

Who am I?

I am different with the seasons. I am happy in the rainy season, irritable in the summer and very impatient in the winter. Sometimes I forget that I change like that and I become a little surprised at my behavior when it changes.

the difference between who you are & who you want to be, is what you do ~ Unknown

That got me thinking some more, is who I am defined by what I do? Should my identity be the one to determine my actions? All this is confusing, or maybe I am complicating it.

What I do know is that I will be the me I feel I am in the current season and if I don’t like being impatient because of the winter – I’ll work at changing that. I find it so difficult to identify who I am, I still have no idea what it means to be who I Am. I’m fine with that, because i can change it when ever I feel like I want to feel differently, or be another me.