BYE BYE 2014

Hi there, it’s been a really great year for me and it just got better! But I’m not writing this here post to floss about my good life, I just have a few unrelated things to tell you about because my 2015 is beginning soon & I’m making this an official New Year’s resolutions post.

Welcome to my amazing life. 

I’ve been unfortunate enough to have intimate interactions with ignorant people, and it was life testing my commitment to growing myself and spreading the gospel – but one tires of giving lectures instead of engaging in conversations. There’s accepting different opinions and then there is over-exposing self to unnecessary nonsense.

Disease: IDIOTITIS. Causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands affected. Might be contagious. Best Defense: Slap & Run

The encounters exposed to me that I indeed have grown this year. I have become more patient, less judgmental but too accommodating of bullshit. I learned that I hang on too long to the hope that people will grow/change for the better even when it is very evident that they seem to be comfortable in their ignorance and stupid opinions (totally a judgmental thing to say, but whatever, I said it).

I’ve been blessed with absolutely marvelous people as well, and luckily they outnumber the exposure to agents of idiotitis in my life this year.

There is Emma, such a brilliant writer. (I love her a lot). She inspires me in so many ways to embrace things like my awesomeness and (grumpily) the unkind facts of life.

There’s Jaja, super-super cool gentleman. His blog is a necessity in my life. And he’s been a kind and supportive energy and I’ve learned from him that patience is what makes everything okay. And DETACHMENT! OH MY GOD that is the deepest life hack – KNOW WHEN TO LET GO! Thanks J

There’s my mother, who’s become a little too nice this year. Maybe it is what parents do as I (or they?) grow older. But she’s been very great and supportive of my efforts to greatness. I just wanna give her a special shout out like this is a radio show: “Ke dumedisa mama ko satafrikha, le bo nnake” Yeah. Thank you.

There’s also my sisters (weirdos.) and my friends who remain my friends despite my selfish approach to friendships. They still text me back when I occasionally get over myself and acknowledge their existence, thanks guys. 

Okay, the resolutions now

I did start to read more this year! I really did and I am very proud of myself, I started late in the year but I did!!!! I hope with the new year I will be able to express my personal socio-political opinions like someone who actually knows what she is talking about. That’s really why I made my blog, so I could write about what I believe in and how it could be real for a lot of people.. …how I live it. 

I Will.

Other things were regular exercise (hahahaha, you know you didn’t either) and getting a job (I’m formally employed now, twice). AND I’m taking responsibility for my future and actually doing my school work, so it’s been a good year.

2015 for me begins next month, I’ll be book-worming and initiating a new attempt to incorporate regular exercise into my lifestyle.

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“Dialogue”

Stop forcing me to nod or shake my head.

Stop forcing me to say yes or no.

Stop screaming and shouting at me as though I’m attempting to speak over you.

Just stop.

Shut up.

Let me talk if you want a conversation, let me say something.

When will it be my turn to say something?

When will it be my turn to tell you what a disappointment you are, and that you are the worst hypocrite I know.

When will I get a chance to tell you that I’m angry, that you abandoned me and now that we’re here again I must let go of that but you must hold onto everything thing you say I did wrong?

Shut. Up.

If you won’t let me speak – Say nothing to me.

I’m suffocating. Drowning in all the words you need to hear. All the things you did wrong, I mean, since we’re keeping count.

Just shut up & listen. Or remain silent and drown like I do.

“Be Your Self”

This may be cliche, but it’s true. That sentence is also cliched. The best advice I have ever received is “Be your self”. Why? Because it got me thinking, about my self & everything around me.

1. Who or What is this Self I Am supposed to be?

This is the most difficult question I will ever ask myself in the history of questions. It would take less energy to answer infinite WHYs that it does to answer this one WHO. Who am I? I know my name, age, where  I live, etc. I also know that I am funny; intelligent, beautiful on the inside, compassionate & other things like impatient & cruel. I know that I like to write and I love chocolate and unsweetened tea.. so, who am i?

a) A tea-drinking, chocolate-loving masturbator

b) A dork of a sister and misbehaving (I think my folks use disrespectful, ungrateful, etc) daughter

c) A person who has trouble talking to people who don’t listen

So many questions come from the WHO part of being WHO I AM. It is even more complicated by the fact of this ‘globalization’ thing. I see too many people being what I like and maybe want to be, but my immediate environment does not allow for that. Is who I am not determined or influenced by where I am?

Who am I?

I am different with the seasons. I am happy in the rainy season, irritable in the summer and very impatient in the winter. Sometimes I forget that I change like that and I become a little surprised at my behavior when it changes.

the difference between who you are & who you want to be, is what you do ~ Unknown

That got me thinking some more, is who I am defined by what I do? Should my identity be the one to determine my actions? All this is confusing, or maybe I am complicating it.

What I do know is that I will be the me I feel I am in the current season and if I don’t like being impatient because of the winter – I’ll work at changing that. I find it so difficult to identify who I am, I still have no idea what it means to be who I Am. I’m fine with that, because i can change it when ever I feel like I want to feel differently, or be another me.