Pure penis and Dirty Hos

Before I begin, I have a question for you. Do you identify as a

  1. Loving, nurturing, sweet [wife-able] person, or
  2. A cold-hearted fucking machine?

I ask this seemingly unnecessary question because women are always forced to be one or the other. To be a [wife-able] woman, or to be sexually satisfied. I wish I had the vocab and insight to explain how this is oppressive, but I don’t. I’ll only tell you my experience of it.

A lot of times people say to me, “You’re such a guy.” in reference to my approach to love and sex relationships. I don’t like this, it’s not a compliment. The “guyness” they’ve identified in me is closer to being manipulative than carefree, so I’m usually offended by that observation.

  1. I do not like to be approached, I usually make the first move.

I do this because when a man approaches me first, I worry that he’s putting on an act to feel on my yams. [We] have been socialised into believing that men have to trick women to sleeping with them. That is something I eliminate by making the first move. I’d rather catch him off guard (men don’t usually expect women to make the first move) and ensure that we are honest with each other about what we want.

I receive one of two reactions:

  • “Okay, cool. Do you wanna get some ice cream?”

This is someone who would’ve had the conversation with me anyway, not be a sneaky fake boyfriend creeping around me for the yams.

  • “OMG, you’re ho. I’ll take the sex but ew girl, you gross.”

Pretty self-explanatory. But I wonder, does his penis not deserve better than an ew, ho-girl?

Why would you do sex with a dirty person when your pure, God-given penile gift to women deserves so much better?

Why would any self respecting man want to have sex with someone who… wants to have sex too?




And so I became a ho (Part 1)

One day I realised that for way too many of the wrong years I wasn’t having sex but I’d been raped most of the time. It sucks. I was so shocked, I was feeling like maybe I should just die.

I couldn’t believe that I consider myself a person after people had just violated my body and raped me like I’m not a whole person to say no and be left alone. I wanted to die. I still feel that way sometimes, like I should just die because every day, everywhere I exist – not everywhere I go but wherever I dare to take up some space and exist – people rape me.

I grew up being made to feel like if I express my explicit desire to fuck, I’m gross. I’m wrong, I’m not doing what ladies do. Makes me wonder if that means ladies must be raped and never have sex?

I had q’wuestions.

I started to wonder what the fuck kind of fucked up shit is this? After all that time I’d spent being violated. I thought that the way “sex” happens is that someone kinda forces me to do it, that’s what they mean when they say that we shouldn’t come out right and want to fuck. I stopped hanging out with rapists a long time ago; I stopped chilling out and talking to men like they’re not some kind of “psycho” who’s just plotting to rape me eventually.

That previous sentence isn’t even a lie. Every time a nigga steps to me I think he’s just trying to buy time before he can rape me. Then people want to talk shit and be insensitive about rape like we’re talking about someone breaking your windscreen – a whole human life being treated like some fuck thing from a bin?

I am angry, I’m angry and bitter as fuck! And whenever a dude is trying to talk to me about MY body and what to do with MY self?! As if it is not my very existence the reason that I’m being raped – not that I was drunk out of my mind and wearing tight clothes.

Open Letter to my Broken Heart

I don’t think my lovers “loved” me but I felt sane with them. My desire to control everything, or at least have clearly defined boundaries (albeit unspoken) was satisfied by them. I knew exactly what it was and what it wasn’t. I knew that my menstrual sadness could be dumped on them when they brought me pain pills and delicious food. I knew what it was and what it wasn’t. It was everything, except the one I can’t identify. (Does it really exist?)

They always dump me, my boyfriends (we call them ‘Him’ now). I will never be the one to call it off because I will not be the one who was wronged, or the one who couldn’t let go of what somebody else had done. I will not be the one who is afraid of it.

I will never call it off. He will. He did. He always does. Because he still wants to pretend after I’ve told him from the very beginning that I am something wrong, there is nothing wrong with me.

This love thing, the commitment. I can’t say what it is or what it isn’t. I don’t know if there are lines to draw or where I would draw them. I can’t stand not knowing what it is, once in a while curiosity (or FOMO) gets to me and I think to myself, “Maybe I will figure it out when I’m in it” but… Nothing. I try, always the same me but a different him and all of them want something (not sex, you who is ready to label me a whore) I don’t know.

Let me be the one who wronged him. Let me remind him of all the things done wrong to him by someone else before. He will be the one who is afraid of it.

He will call it off.

I didn’t want to be the one who gave up so I sacrificed you in an unfruitful quest to figure it out, this love thing. The commitment. What is it? I don’t know but I do know that I always do it wrong.

My dear Broken Heart, I am sorry that I wasted your wholeness on something I don’t know how to do. 


“Girls are so full of themselves! Not every guy who spends time with you wants to fuck”

“How can you believe a guy will just take you out or spend time with you without expecting to fuck? Don’t be silly”

RAPIST: One who assumes entitlement to the sex of another.

The picture shows a woman holding a poster, handwritten which reads: "I know you Want it"

The common stereotype for a rapist is a dirty, creepy man who physically assaults the victim before having his way with her. I’m very sure that this description is engraved so deep into our minds that it is the only kind of rapist we can identify on sight. We keep our guard down when in the company of a “Real Man”; the handsome man with a job, a house and car. He can have any woman he wants; he could never be a rapist- right? WRONG!

Maybe it is because he knows (and we keep telling him) that he can have whoever he wants he will never accept rejection. Even though he doesn’t say to you “We’re spending time together because I would like to have sex with you”, you’re supposed to know by way of reading his mind, that he wants to have sex with you. BUT, be careful not to know this if he doesn’t want to, you do not want to be “that girl who thinks everyone wants her”. Keep your mind-reading abilities up to scratch miss.

It seems that our intuition should be trained to determine when a man wants sex from you, and when he does not. These men (rapey men, rapists, fuckboys) cannot tell a woman upfront that all they want is sex, because women always want to attach feelings to everything.. *rolls eyes* When will they acknowledge that women are also sexual beings and sometimes, WE TOO WANT SEX WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

SEEK CONSENT, she did not agree to have sex with you if:

1. She is unconscious

The picture shows a pair of hands holding a handwritten poYou can't have a drink with someone & expect this NOT to happen"

2. She is severely, or even slightly intoxicated to the point of lacking good judgement

The picture shows two animated characters - man on his knee proposing to the lady an invitation to have drinks with him.

Accepting an invitation to go out together does not mean she has agreed to have sex with you

3. She is unsure

4. You’ve been harassing & pressurizing her to do so

5. She has said: “NO” “DON’T” “I’VE CHANGED MY MIND” “GET OFF ME” or anything related, which carries the same meaning

It is very simple, if you don’t receive an explicit (& excited) invitation/request/agreement to have sex – she does not want to have sex with you.